Know Your Stars, Naruto Style!
by Koriline Elysibeth
Summary: I torture the characters from Naruto! Sasuke bashing, even though he's my fave, yaoi, preg, weirdness and more!
1. Chapter 1: Naruto Uzumaki!

Know Your Stars, Naruto Style!

By Uchiha Sasaki-chan

**************************

Just as a note, the idea for this story came from an author that I admire who wrote a Know Your Stars thing Inuyasha style. It's not really an original idea, but I was at a loss for inspiration and needed something to do.

Anyways, just sit back and enjoy my crack fic! Loads of Sasuke bashing, yaoi, silliness, and even a guest appearance by Michael Jackson! (Guess which character he is… lol)

I do not own Naruto, but if I did all the SasuNaru fans would be on the floor with heavy nosebleeds.

*********************************

Chapter 1: Naruto Uzumaki!

************************

Narrator: know your stars, know your stars, know your stars… Naruto Uzumaki!

Naruto: *Runs up and sits in guest chair* That's _me_! I'm gonna be the sixth hokage! Believe it!

Narrator: *invisible sweatdrop* OK! Naruto… he's a perv that likes dressing like a girl!

Naruto: *gags* WHAT!?! THAT'S _SASUKE-TEMEE_!

Sasuke: *comes onstage* Don't deny it, Dobe… (to audience) You should see the shit he wears to bed.

Narrator: *interested* Oh, do tell!

Sasuke: Well for one, there's that kinky maid's outfit he wears that doesn't even cover his-

Sasaki: *Hits Sasuke* SAVE IT! *Drags said Uchiha off to emo corner for a time-out*

Narrator: Anyways… *looks at cards* oh, you're right, I _was_ reading Sasuke's card… *flips to Naruto's card* Ok, this is fo' rizzle! Naruto… he's had sex with Itachi!

Naruto: OH _HELL_ NO! OBJECTION!

Sasaki: THIS ISN'T LAW AND ORDER, DUMBASS!

Naruto: SHUT UP!

Sasuke: *leaves emo corner and comes onstage* I CAN'T BELIVE YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME WITH MY _BROTHER_! I _HATE_ YOU! *runs off sobbing*

Sasaki: Well, that reaction came as a surprise to _no_ one…

Sasuke: SHUT UP!

Itachi: *comes onstage* Naruto, you really _must_ come back to my hideout tonight! I'll bring all your faves!

Sasaki: O.o There are more? You're such a manslut, Naruto.

Naruto: SHUT UP! I ONLY EVER HAD SEX WITH SASUKE, SAI, SHIKAMARU, NEJI, GAARA, ROCK LEE…

Sasaki: WHAT!?! WHO THE HELL WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH _ROCK LEE_!?! YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE TASTE IN MEN, NARU-CHAN!

Naruto: I WAS KIDDING! WHY THE HELL WOULD I HAVE SEX WITH _BUSHY BROWS_!?!

Rock Lee: I am _deeply_ offended by your cruel statement, Naruto! There are _plenty_ of girls who want me!

Sakura: Oh Lee! *runs onstage* The pregnancy test just came back *holds up preg test* and it was positive! I'm going to have your baby!

Sasaki: Eww! That kid's gonna be _really_ fuck ugly. I feel sorry for it.

Sakura and Lee: _WHAT_ WAS THAT!?!

*interrupted when Kisame runs up to Itachi*

Kisame: Itachi-chan, I'm preggers with your twins!

Sasuke: Eww! _Totally_ gross!

Sasaki: I was wrong, this could get _much_ worse.

Kisame: Wanna say that to my face!?

Sasaki: Hey, if you kill me, I can't write the rest of this chappy!

Kisame: Dammit! *stalks off stage*

Sasaki: And I wasn't just talking about _that_…

Sasuke: SHUT _UP_!

Sasaki: Well, Sasuke's emo gayness aside-

Sasuke: No one cares…

Sasaki: Shut up, kusono'o. *Runs as fast as she can*

Sasuke: YOU-

Narrator: Anyways, Naruto... he runs a gay brothel in his house!

Neji: It's the best! *walks onstage with a crack pipe in his hand*

Naruto: *twitches* I think you've been smoking too much crack, Neji, because my house isn't in _any_ way connected to a whorehouse.

Neji: *hides crack pipe* Me smoke crack!?! Never! *Pipe falls out of pocket onto floor*

Naruto: Then what's _that_, baka!?!

Neji: *shiftily* Uhh... a weirdly shaped dildo?

Naruto: *rolls eyes* Right.

Shikamaru: *walks onstage* Neji, I told you to drop that habit.

Neji: But it's so good-

Shikamaru: I didn't mean the crack.

Neji: But they're so _good_!

Tenten: *runs onstage screaming* YOU LIED TO ME, NEJI! YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GAY!

Neji: I'm not gay, I'm _bi_!

Naruto: Bullshit.

Neji: LEAVE ME ALONE! *runs off crying*

Sasaki: Wow, I never knew _any_one could be more emo than Sasuke...

Sasuke: I _swear_, one more time bitch and I _will_ use my Chidori on you.

Sasaki: Shut up, Mr. I'm-so-tough-but-I'm-really-just-a-big-baby-underneath.

Sasuke: YOU-!

Sasaki: Bye! *runs*

Sasuke: *stalks offstage muttering something about... well, who knows? It's not important.*

Narrator: *sweatdrops* Anyway, back to my spiel! Naruto... he uses Viagra!

Naruto: Hell no! Just watching one of those sex tapes Sasuke and I make gets it up _really_ fast!

Narrator: *vomits* You two do _sex tapes_ together!?!

Naruto: Well, naturally! I've also gotten him to do drag and strip dancing...

Narrator: So you're like the pimp in this relationship?

Naruto: *gangster-like* Oh _hell _yeah!

Sasuke: Why is everyone picking on _me_? *cries*

Sasaki: Because it's fun. (to audience) Notice my complete lack of sympathy.

Sasuke: Shut up...

Sasaki: You say "shut up" _way_ too much.

Sasuke: So???

Sasaki: Anyway, get on with the show! And no more comments from you! *drags Sasuke offstage*

Naruto: Later babe! anyways, can we wrap this up? I haven't screwed Sasuke in like ten minutes.

Narrator: *disgusted* Eww... You may go.

Naruto: _Yes_! *Runs off after Sasuke and Sasaki*

Narrator: So now you know... Naruto!

***********************************

Sasaki: Well that's _one_ chapter done! Tell me what you thought! And yah, I know it was more about Sasuke's emo gayness than it was about Naruto, but I still think it's funny.

Sasuke: IT'S _NOT_ FUNNY.

Naruto: Calm down there!

Sasaki: Anyway, next chappy we torture Sasuke some more!

Sasuke: Kill me.

Naruto: It can't be _that_ bad.

Sasuke: *glares* You're stupid.

Sasaki: *ignoring* Anyway, until next time! And remember, if you see Michael Jackson in a Speedo at the local pool, tell him it's not nice to scar little kids for life and give him a good kick in the crotch... he deserves it. Bye!


	2. Chapter 2: Sasuke Uchiha!

Chapter 2: Sasuke Uchiha!

Narrator: Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars... Sasuke Uchiha!

Sasuke: *walks out on stage and sits in chair of doom, aka guest chair(BTW he's calm, but not for long)*

Narrator: Hey sexy...

Sasuke: *Twitches* ... In all seriousness, I don't know you.

Narrator: That's OK! Anyway, Sasuke... He still sleeps with a teddy bear!

Sasuke: ...

Narrator: What's up with _you_? Usually my interviewees deny whatever I say about them.

Sasuke: ... Hn.

Narrator: ... So you _do_ sleep with a teddy bear.

Sasuke: ... No, I sleep with Naruto. He's _much_ more satisfactory than a _teddy bear_.

Sakura: NOO, SASUKE-KUN! I LOVE YOU!

Sasuke: ...

Narrator: Anyway, Sasuke... He wears a G-string!

Sasuke: ... Well, duh. I thought _every_one knew that.

Narrator: *vomits* Actually I was hoping that wasn't true.

Sasuke: Well actually, it was Naruto who got me into wearing them... It's so sexually _pleasing_! It's like, masturbation when you can't masturbate.

Narrator: *vomits* This is just _sick_.

Sasaki: ... Then say something else besides this pervy shit.

Narrator: You're _making_ me!

Sasaki: Now she's not. Say something less pedophilic.

Narrator: I AM _NOT_ A PEDO!

Sasaki: ... Like Michael Jackson didn't get a vagina surgically implanted. Get on with it, Jacko wannabe.

Narrator: *huffy* _Fine_! Sasuke... he likes to listen to the Backstreet Boys!

Sasuke: *twitches* ... EWW! I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD LISTENING TO THEM!

Sasaki: ... Then what's this 'Saki found in your CD rack? *holds up autographed Backstreet Boys album*

Sasuke: THAT'S FOR NARUTO'S BIRTHDAY!

Naruto: *runs onstage* LIAR! I HEARD YOU SINGING SOME OF THEIR SHIT LAST NIGHT IN THE SHOWER!

Sasaki: ... You sing in the shower, Sasuke? Naruto, is he any good?

Naruto: Apart from the fact that Backstreet Boys suck, yeah...

Sasuke: Naruto, shut up or I won't have sex with you tonight.

Naruto: *shuts up because he very much wants to have sex with Sasuke tonight*

Sasaki: Haha, you got _burned_!

Naruto: Shut up!

Narrator: So, Sasuke, what music do you like apart from the Backstreet Boys?

Sasuke: ... Dark shit.

Sasaki: ... Like what?

Sasuke: MCR, AFI, HIM, Evanescence...

Sasaki: ... That's emo not dark. Dark is like Rammstein, Lamb of God, Slipknot, Marilyn Manson and Korn. You really _are_ emo...

Sasuke: SHUT UP!

Sasaki: ... No.

Naruto: *laughing* THIS IS FUNNY AS _HELL_!

Sasuke: ... Fuck you both.

Sasaki: Aww, look at the cute little emo kid!

Sasuke: I _SWEAR_ TO _FUCKING GOD_ I WILL-

Sasaki: Lalalalala, not scared! *dances around Sasuke's chair and runs off singing*

Sasuke: Grrr...

Narrator: Moving on... Sasuke... he loves Itachi!

Itachi: *runs onstage* I _knew_ it! I love you too, little brother!

Sasuke: *completely losing it* WHAT THE FUCKING _FLIP_!?! THAT BASTARD _KILLED_ OUR PARENTS! HE DIDN'T SEND THEM ON A ONE WAY TRIP TO _JA-FUCKING-MAICA_, HE FUCKING _MURDERED_ THEIR ASSES! I DON'T LOVE HIM IN _ANY_ WAY WHATSO_EVER_!

Itachi: Then how come you seemed to enjoy last night so much?

Sasuke: What the hell are you _talking_ about? I don't remember _any_thing from last ni- *freezes* You spiked my appletini, didn't you.

Itachi: *shocked* No! *thinks for a minute* Yes.

Sasuke: Whatever you did, you _better_ have worn a condom. I don't know where the fuck your thing's been.

Sasaki: It's been around the world, Sasuke. Around the world.

Sasuke: *gags* You're _sick_!

Sasaki: You just _now_ figured that out... Wow.

Sasuke: Shut the fuck up.

Naruto: ITACHI YOU BASTARD! NO ONE TOUCHES _MY_ BITCH!

Itachi: ... Deal with it.

Naruto: NO!!!!!

Itachi, Naruto: *start fighting*

Sasaki: Wow, Sasuke, even among the _guys_ you're pretty popular.

Sasuke: You _just now_ figured that out? Wow.

Sasaki: ... Shut up, Sasuke.

Narrator: So now you know... Sasuke!

Sasuke: ... Hn.

****************

Sasaki: Well, there's chapter two! Tell Auntie 'Saki what you thought!

Naruto: It was _hilarious_!

Sasuke: Shut up, Naruto.

Naruto: _Make_ me!

Sasuke: *pulls Naruto close and kisses him*

Naruto, Sasuke: *start playing tongue hockey*

Sasaki: ... Do it in your dressing room please!

Sasuke: ... No.

Sasaki: ... Douche bag.

Sasuke: Hn.

Sasaki: Oh yeah, and next chapter is Sakura, so get out your barf bags, people!

Sasuke, Naruto: She's not that bad... *go back to tongue wrestling*

Sasaki: Yah, like Sasuke isn't a girly gay emo dude.

Sasuke: YOU'RE DEAD... but first I wanna have sex with Naruto.

Sasaki: *sweat drop* You do that. *leaves them to it*


End file.
